Tomorrow Will Make Five Months February 23, 2010

I haven’t been able to blog since Ben’s passing.  I tried once a few months back, broke down, and haven’t looked at it again until now.  I read my last blog which was ironically the day before his passing, and I can’t believe that I didn’t even mention that he was sick!  Well, the blog was mostly put in place to talk about Hannah/keep people up to date about her, but I wish now that I would have talked about him more.  It would mean a lot to me to someday (not now-still not ready) be able to look back at those faded memories w/a smile.

How am I doing now (that’s the big question).  I’m surviving!  It’s not the same type of survival that it was in the beginning.  At month one, life to me didn’t matter.  All I wanted was the second coming.  Everything scared me-EVERYTHING!  Now, I’m still scared, but I know that I have the safety net of my family, friends, and the deep sensation that God is not only carrying me through right now, but that He’ll cont. to do so.  What matters to me now?  Hannah!  That’s honestly what keeps me afloat.  That, and the fact that I will be reunited w/Ben very soon-and this will all be a faded memory.  As far as Hannah, she’s my miracle, and I know w/out a doubt I couldn’t do this w/out her.  I need her just as much (maybe even more) than she needs me right now.  She’s my everything!  What else keeps me going?  The amazing people God has put in my path.  I honestly don’t understand how people can deny God during times of grief.  I feel like God has shown himself to me in every possible avenue of my life.  He’s really worked through people to help Hannah/ I.  How?  Here’s a few examples:

*People who have made me a part of their family, and love us as their own

*Friends who have stepped up and stayed w/me around the clock so I wasn’t alone.  This includes family/friends who came from out of state to stay w/me.

*Loving/supportive friends who have attempted to fill the “Daddy” roll in Hannah’s life

*Amazing family/friends back home who are struggling to have me so far away, but sweet enough to say, “We want you where you’re happy”!

*Holiday care packages that have been sent by one of Ben’s best friends for every holiday along with daily “Howdy” messages to check up on us and make sure we’re Ok.

*Hundreds of people telling me that they’re not only praying for us, but also their church, church group, prayer group, etc.

*Family/friends who have just simply listened even though there was nothing they could say back, but they could be a loving ear and shoulder to cry on.

*A loving friend who has helped me w/my finances and cont. to do so w/meetings to check up on me.

*A great faculty/students/parents at The Oaks (my school) that have all been understanding/supportive of my cont. “fog” state.

*Meals

*Magnitude of gift cards to multiple locations

*Money

*Babysitting

*An entire wardrobe for Hannah this winter season.  I didn’t need to buy her any clothes, or shoes.

*Diapers/wipes

*My house was cleaned for me by several people at the beginning of all of this

*A plane ticket was donated to me by a person I didn’t know.  This ticket helped Hannah/I get back home from Christmas.

*A softball tournament from Ben’s community softball league that raised $7,600 towards Hannah’s future.

*Ben’s best friends put together a charity Super Bowl party that raised about $1000 towards Hannah’s future.  They also made it very clear that Hannah/I are a priority to them, and they’ll help wherever they can.

*A close friend of mine had her sorority sisters donate to Hannah’s future

*Friends who have gone out of their way to keep me “busy” w/fun activities.

*A food drive at my school

*A food drive at my church

*Friends who gave me money during Christmas and Hannah’s birthday so that Hannah wasn’t missing out.

*A friend coming over to fix my dishwasher

*Teammates of Ben’s that came over to mow the lawn

*Faculty that have stated they’ll help me w/the lawn in the future

*Neighbors who have come together to help me go to a grief support group

*For me personally-God gave me Hannah!  This is an everyday reminder of just how much my heavenly Daddy loves me!  I get to look at the most beautiful blue eyes (that she got from her handsome Daddy) every single day!

And the list continues to go on/and I’m sure I’ve missed numerous ways God has shown His love.  His blessings truly have overflowed.  Just this weekend I had a lady at my church that I don’t know give me $100 in Wal-Mart gift cards.  She’s given me $50 every month since Ben’s passing.  Plus, my pastory came to speak w/me this last Sunday to see how I was doing.  He stated that the church would help me get clothes for Hannah for the summer.  God is so amazingly good to us, and I’m thankful that He’s touched the hearts of so many to help/love us.  To all of you that have been a part of these bullets-”THANK YOU” seems so meaningless.  I can’t show my graditude enough.  I’ve told several that there’s no way that I could possibly be a friend to anyone like so many have been to me.  I will attempt to use the remaining days of my life to do so. 

This has been the worst part of my entire life-by far.  However, through it all, GOD IS GOOD!

RIP Ben-I love/miss you!

Advertisement