Tomorrow Will Make Five Months February 23, 2010

I haven’t been able to blog since Ben’s passing.  I tried once a few months back, broke down, and haven’t looked at it again until now.  I read my last blog which was ironically the day before his passing, and I can’t believe that I didn’t even mention that he was sick!  Well, the blog was mostly put in place to talk about Hannah/keep people up to date about her, but I wish now that I would have talked about him more.  It would mean a lot to me to someday (not now-still not ready) be able to look back at those faded memories w/a smile.

How am I doing now (that’s the big question).  I’m surviving!  It’s not the same type of survival that it was in the beginning.  At month one, life to me didn’t matter.  All I wanted was the second coming.  Everything scared me-EVERYTHING!  Now, I’m still scared, but I know that I have the safety net of my family, friends, and the deep sensation that God is not only carrying me through right now, but that He’ll cont. to do so.  What matters to me now?  Hannah!  That’s honestly what keeps me afloat.  That, and the fact that I will be reunited w/Ben very soon-and this will all be a faded memory.  As far as Hannah, she’s my miracle, and I know w/out a doubt I couldn’t do this w/out her.  I need her just as much (maybe even more) than she needs me right now.  She’s my everything!  What else keeps me going?  The amazing people God has put in my path.  I honestly don’t understand how people can deny God during times of grief.  I feel like God has shown himself to me in every possible avenue of my life.  He’s really worked through people to help Hannah/ I.  How?  Here’s a few examples:

*People who have made me a part of their family, and love us as their own

*Friends who have stepped up and stayed w/me around the clock so I wasn’t alone.  This includes family/friends who came from out of state to stay w/me.

*Loving/supportive friends who have attempted to fill the “Daddy” roll in Hannah’s life

*Amazing family/friends back home who are struggling to have me so far away, but sweet enough to say, “We want you where you’re happy”!

*Holiday care packages that have been sent by one of Ben’s best friends for every holiday along with daily “Howdy” messages to check up on us and make sure we’re Ok.

*Hundreds of people telling me that they’re not only praying for us, but also their church, church group, prayer group, etc.

*Family/friends who have just simply listened even though there was nothing they could say back, but they could be a loving ear and shoulder to cry on.

*A loving friend who has helped me w/my finances and cont. to do so w/meetings to check up on me.

*A great faculty/students/parents at The Oaks (my school) that have all been understanding/supportive of my cont. “fog” state.

*Meals

*Magnitude of gift cards to multiple locations

*Money

*Babysitting

*An entire wardrobe for Hannah this winter season.  I didn’t need to buy her any clothes, or shoes.

*Diapers/wipes

*My house was cleaned for me by several people at the beginning of all of this

*A plane ticket was donated to me by a person I didn’t know.  This ticket helped Hannah/I get back home from Christmas.

*A softball tournament from Ben’s community softball league that raised $7,600 towards Hannah’s future.

*Ben’s best friends put together a charity Super Bowl party that raised about $1000 towards Hannah’s future.  They also made it very clear that Hannah/I are a priority to them, and they’ll help wherever they can.

*A close friend of mine had her sorority sisters donate to Hannah’s future

*Friends who have gone out of their way to keep me “busy” w/fun activities.

*A food drive at my school

*A food drive at my church

*Friends who gave me money during Christmas and Hannah’s birthday so that Hannah wasn’t missing out.

*A friend coming over to fix my dishwasher

*Teammates of Ben’s that came over to mow the lawn

*Faculty that have stated they’ll help me w/the lawn in the future

*Neighbors who have come together to help me go to a grief support group

*For me personally-God gave me Hannah!  This is an everyday reminder of just how much my heavenly Daddy loves me!  I get to look at the most beautiful blue eyes (that she got from her handsome Daddy) every single day!

And the list continues to go on/and I’m sure I’ve missed numerous ways God has shown His love.  His blessings truly have overflowed.  Just this weekend I had a lady at my church that I don’t know give me $100 in Wal-Mart gift cards.  She’s given me $50 every month since Ben’s passing.  Plus, my pastory came to speak w/me this last Sunday to see how I was doing.  He stated that the church would help me get clothes for Hannah for the summer.  God is so amazingly good to us, and I’m thankful that He’s touched the hearts of so many to help/love us.  To all of you that have been a part of these bullets-”THANK YOU” seems so meaningless.  I can’t show my graditude enough.  I’ve told several that there’s no way that I could possibly be a friend to anyone like so many have been to me.  I will attempt to use the remaining days of my life to do so. 

This has been the worst part of my entire life-by far.  However, through it all, GOD IS GOOD!

RIP Ben-I love/miss you!

Where to Start? September 22, 2009

I have a lot to tell you, but I’m not sure I have the time to do so.  I’m going to give the major abriged version.

My computer has been fixed!  Happy Day! 

Saturday I went to a church social and had a BLAST!  We had to bring a decorated box with a homemade food item inside.  It was an auction!  The point was to try to raise money for a Thanksgiving Feast for the homeless.  A lot of money was raised, and Ben got baked Ziti out of it ;o) 

Also, I had my students decorate the boxes, and one of them won third place for best decorated box.  ANNNNDDD-One of the boxes went for $50, and the second went for………(drum roll please)-$69!!!!  That was the highest bid for any box at the auction.  OK-I didn’t totally play by the rules.  I told a few friends that I made the ultimate famous peanut butter choc. cake-and I’ve got a few friends that are a tiny bit partial to that dessert (I am also-my aunt Robyn made it at my wedding as the grooms cake-it’s personally my fav.!).  Anywho-Kristi has a major weakness for choc., and her husband got the cake for her.  What a great guy!

Afterwards a few friends and I went to Chuys-and overall it was a fabulous night!

I’m missing work today, because Hannah had a fever yesterday.  With medicine it has gone down.  I took her to the Dr., and no worries-she doesn’t have swine flu!  Actually, Dr. Kwak just thinks it’s a stomach bug.  In any case, I got a day off with my fav. young lady!

Friday I leave for home!!!!  I CAN’T WAIT!!!!  I’m stoked about my sister’s bridal shower, seeing family/friends, AND I’ll do a little celebrating myself (my b-day is coming up, and we’ll go to the Cheesecake Factory).  I’m most excited though about being there for my sister.  I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it to her bridal shower, and so my plane ticket is my birthday gift from Ben.  It means a lot to me to be there for her, and I’m not just saying that because I’m blogging it for all to see (she doesn’t even check my blog ;o). 

I’m also super pumped about a birthday party that Rachael is throwing me back here on the 3rd of October.  We’re going to Chuys and then bowling-super sweet! 

Hey-the abriged version was short but sweet!  I’ll blog when I get back home in a couple weeks.

Have a great week!

Brandy

Happy Birthday Eva September 22, 2009

Here are a few pictures from Hannah’s friend Eva’s B-day party last weekend.

Here’s Eva-she turned 2!  Eva always says that her favorite part of Tiny Tigers is “Nana”-that means Hannah in 2 yr. old baby talk )  They get along really well.

Here’s Nylaya and Ainsley-it’s a cute picture of them both.

They needed to find their Huffalump while wearing a hat.  This is adorable of Ainsley.  She looks like she’s deep in thought-trying to find the Huffalump!

Here’s where Hannah found her Huffalump.  Ms. June (Eva’s Grandma) made each child a Huffalump so that they could take it home after the party.  Hannah likes to sleep w/hers from time/time.

Here’s Ally pushing Hannah.  Ally was Hannah’s little body guard.  She kept saying, “No-it’s ‘BABY HANNAH’S’ turn”. 

Here we go!

Note the frosting on my daughters finger.  She was running at me after sticking her little fingers into Eva’s cake-BEFORE THEY SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  Ugh-I guess somebody has to do it-it is a 2 yr. old’s b-day party after all.  You’d just think it’d be the b-day girl-not the guest.

It’s all good-Eva could have cared less!  She had a Huffalump party (I have no idea how to spell that), and her mom made the cake.  I was pretty impressed-great job Misty!

Well-that’s the most recent pics. I have.  It was a great time-though we had to cut it short.  We rounded up to nap time-and Hannah had a major fit because she couldn’t play around in all the back bedrooms.  Auh-terrible twos are starting early in the Prokop household.  Anywho have any suggestions for temper tantrums?  We’ve been ignoring her when she does it-and not giving any attn. to it.  When she keeps it up-she goes into time out.  That seems to work, but out in public is a different story.  Suggestions would be helpful!

I hope you guys have a great couple of weeks-and I’ll blog about my glorious time back home probably on the 4th of Oct.

Brandy

Virus September 14, 2009

Right now I am at work.  My home computer has a virus, and I can’t blog.  When it’s fixed, I will blog.  Sorry!

Brandy

Dress Up & Good Times W/Dad September 8, 2009

I actually had the chance to take several pictures this week, and I made sure to have Steph take pics. at school.  Enjoy!

My parents got Hannah a Sleeping Beauty Princess dress for Christmas.  However, they ended up sending it to us, because it fits her now.  She loves it!  Whenever she puts it on, she spins/twirls/sings/and giggles.  Auh-to be a little girl!

I actually got her to say, “CHEESE!” here!  She’s HUGE into Elmo right now (all she yells for is-YA YA-YA YA!  That’s “Elmo” in Hannah speech).  Anyways-they have a skit about cameras and saying, “Cheese!”.  I think she gets it.  Ben/Hannah are having worship here w/a “lift the flap” book about Jesus.

Here’s Hank-Hannah’s twin brother ;o)  Just kidding-Hannah’s Blackhawks hat finally fits her (she got it when she was born).  Ben was so excited!  Check out the shirt.

It’s all about Chicago baby!

Ben was ALL about this wardrobe!

After multiple pics, Hannah was totally over it!

I love this shot that Steph (Hannah’s teacher) got at school.  She look SO happy!  Steph said that she really gets into doing the puzzles.

So sweet!

These were just taken today.  They were playing around, and I had to get a couple of shots. 

Ben said it was his turn for a ride.  She wasn’t interested-and wanted back on him!

Other than what’s in the shots-I’ve had a bad reaction to citric acid asorbic acid (I think I’m allergic).  I usually try to stay away from oranges/lemons/pineapple/etc., but I never thought that I had to stay away from tea.  I LOVE tea!  There’s one tea in particular that is my fav., and I’ve been drinking it a lot lately.  I kept wondering why I kept getting canker sores, and now I think I know why.  That tea has those acids in it-and now I have 5-count them-5 canker sores in my mouth.  I can barely eat.  Ugh-so annoying! 

Also-it’s Night of the Living Dead in my classroom right now.  The Majority of my class has been sick/and they’ve given it to me/Hannah.  I’ve been on the verge of sickness for almost a week now.  I think it’s mostly a head cold, but also very annoying.  Ugh-to be back in full swing-all the germs are my nemesis.  Especially when I can’t have vitamin C (the citric acid).

Oh-yesterday I went to a baby shower.  It was a young girl from my school who would have been a Senior this year.  It’s a very sad story-please keep it in your prayers.  She was adopted, and now her family won’t support her.  This girl had nothing, and was totally not prepared.  However, she did get a lot at this shower, and God blessed me w/a whole lot of clothes for $30.  Literally, this child will have a whole winter wardrobe w/lots of cute clothes.  I spent all day yesterday before the shower trying to wash/dry them and it took forever.  I had to to the shower w/them damp-so I hope the girl remembers to dry the clothes.  It was enough to fill a bin plus a huge present bag. 

She also got other things from me, and all the staff chipped in for a pack/play w/other important baby things-diapers/wipes/dreft/etc.  Everyone really made an effort to make sure she had what she needed.  The party I think was a major success.

Hannah now constantly says, “ousigh”-for outside.  She would spend her entire day outside if she could.  She’s constantly asking to “go!”.  The girl doesn’t stay idle that’s for sure.

I’m getting VERY excited about going back home for my sister’s bridal shower.  I’ll be back on the weekend of  26th/27th-and I’m highly looking forward to it.

Well-that’s all I have to report for now.  Hope you guys had a wonderful Labor Day-and a grand week!

Pictures: Long Overdue August 31, 2009

I still haven’t figured out Snapfish and their new program, but I was able to get some pictures downloaded. 

Here are a few from a couple weeks ago:

Bath time-she kept putting the “H” on her forehead and then she’d stare crosseyed at it.  I tried getting  a pic. of her doing it, but she wouldn’t once I pulled the camera out.

Here’s Hannah w/her “BABIES”.  All her dolls are called, “Bay-bee”.  She’s in love w/dolls right now.  All three have to go to bed w/her (along w/Elmo).

Yesterday we had several friends come over to the Splashpad.  Yes, that wonderful place we love to spend so much time.  Actually, we haven’t gone in awhile-and we had a wonderful Sabbath spending time w/friends.

I think this is a SUPER AWESOME picture of Kristi/Jason.  They came over w/their 3 kids-Brandon, Caden, and Ainsley.  Brandon had a big day this week-it was his first day of 1st grade!

Here’s Hannah w/her gal pals-Ally and Ainsley.  Ally is always so sweet to Hannah (she’s the older little girl), and I was proud of Ainsley for actually attempting to try to play w/Hannah (remember from previous blogs-Ainsley is the one Hannah likes to beat up on).

Here’s the “Mom Squad”!  We thought it would be cool to get a pic. together.  It actually turned out REALLY good of all of us.  From Left-Kristi, Brandy (me), Rome, Susie, and Annette.

What a great way to spend the Sabbath!

As for work-I was so tired/exhausted Fri.-I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m.  Ben said that he played Wii right in front of me.  I was totally dead-I didn’t hear a thing.  My students are the best, but it’s an adjustment going from 3rd/4th to 5th-8th.  I’m very overwhelmed, but feel highly blessed that I’m where I am.  Keep me in your prayers that I can keep up with the demands of my new position/being a mom.  I really feel that I’m where the Lord wants me to be, and I want to do my very best for His will.

Anywho-have a great week!

Brandy

Much Needed R & R August 24, 2009

My school week was nothing but going/going/going.  By the time I got to Friday-it was all I could do to keep my head upright.  I felt awful because Ben’s mom called and I didn’t even have the energy to talk to her.  Hmmm, that reminds me-I should call her.

This weekend was a blessing from the Lord.  Man-did I need the Sabbath.  I know that I have friends/family that read my blog that are not Adventist/don’t follow the Sabbath.  I’m not really sure how anyone is able to cope w/out a day of rest.  It’s my favorite day of the week.  It’s pretty much an expectation that you rest and relax.  Of course, there are Sabbath days that are the busiest of the week, but I think that people create what they want out of it. 

I’m asked regularly to help w/some function at church on Sabbath.  I’ll be honest-I usually tell people, “No!”.  I was asked to tell the story in Cradle Roll next week, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not in there to teach-I’m in there to help Hannah.  I know my limits on my sanity-and I have to have my Sabbath. 

Speaking of sanity-I had a wonderful weekend.  We went to church, had Kublai Khan for lunch (Yummy Mongonlian food-the people know us there ;o), and then had our Sabbath lay activities-aka-nap!  In the afternoon we went out for ice cream, took Hannah to the park and met a very nice couple, Hannah went to bed-and Ben/I had a home date.  We played Bash party on Wii, and then watched a movie.  It was a day that was LOOOOONNNNGGGG overdue.

Today was all about getting things done that we can’t get to during the week.  I went grocery shopping, made a family meal that was finally not ALL out of a box (thanks Amy K. for your recipe on your blog for Creamy Chicken and Pasta-oohhh-so good!  I added asparagus (sp?))

Tomorrow I’ll go back to the insanity that is-being a working mommy, but for now I’ll rejoice in the fact that I’m well rested, and relaxed.  Enjoy your week!

Sorry-again no pictures.  I don’t know what’s up w/Snapfish-but it’s not letting me download.  I have to upgrade some Adobe software-and it won’t let me pass the step.  I’ll get pics. on here as soon as I can.

First Day With The Same Group August 18, 2009

Tomorrow the kids come back to school, and it’s going to be an exciting school year.  So far, I’m at 11 students.  Please pray that I have a wonderful school year! 

Sorry I haven’t posted pics.-I honestly haven’t had time to take them.  I’ll take some photos soon to share.

Little FYI-I cut my hair!  It’s not short-just shoulder length. 

Have a great week!

Busy Busy Busy August 15, 2009

I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in so long.  I’m back in the full grind of work, and I’m crazy busy.  Sunday nights have been my time to play catch-up, and the blog hasn’t made it on the list.  All I can say is that I’m tired, and happy it’s Sabbath!

Nothing major to report other than the fact that Hannah has learned the word, “MINE!”  She knows how to use it too!  I took her to the Dollar store yesterday, and many of the items were, “MINE!”.  Not fun trying to unlatch a mighty grip from chubby little fingers off of silly string.

It’s been hard going back to work, and it’s even harder that I now have to dodge her at work, because she gets VERY excited when she sees me, but then I have to cont. doing work.  When I leave she gets highly upset, and it breaks my heart.  I can hear her yelling, “MOMMEEEE, MOMMEEEE! down the hallway.  I want to be able to see her through the day, but I don’t want to upset her.  Auh-it’s a struggle!

On a lighter note-I had the Children’s story at church today.  Several people came up to me and told me that they liked my story including a little boy.  I spoke to him for a little while, and he ended the conversation with, “You’re a very nice lady!”.  Hmmm-I needed that!

Not Even One Week Left July 28, 2009

Ok, so I’m having a hard time with the fact that this is my last week of summer vacation.  I got weepy today with the fact that I’ll have to put Hannah back into school.  It’s a wonderful program, and she adores her teacher-but it’s always hard to let her go.  It was difficult during maternity leave, a struggle last summer, and now I’m having to face it all over again.  I’m excited about this school year, I know Hannah will be happy at school, but it’s not the same.  I want to be with her!  This summer has been such a blessing! 

I keep thinking of the blessing that she’s just a couple of steps away-but it’s still hard.  I really only get to see her for about 5 hrs. a day, and two of those hrs. are driving.  Then there is the 1 1/2 hrs. of making dinner, feeding her dinner, cleaning up from dinner, and we spend the last hr. of the night with bath, milk, worship, and clean-up.  If you’ve done the Math-only about 30-45 min. of quality “fun” time is given for the family.  Then again-Ben only gets about 2 hrs. w/her each day!  Ugh!  It kills me to even think about it! 

Most everyone tells me that it gets easier with time, but I think this is just something we tell ourselves to trick us into thinking we’re not really missing anything.  I’ve realized through this summer that I’m missing a lot!  I’m missing smiles, laughter, attempts at talking, pretend cooking, taking care of her baby, attempts at getting dressed, feeding herself successfully, dancing, pretending she’s on her Tinkerbell cellphone (Thanks Rome-it’s still a fav), rare moments of snuggle time, saying animal noises, attempting to say her name (Nah Nah),attempts or non-attempts at potty training,  and the list can go on/on/on.

This blog isn’t a feeble attempt to get your sympathy. It’s simply raw emotion that I’m feeling right now, and thought I’d share it.

Ok-so I didn’t mean to bum you out.  There’s been so many positive moments for us in the last few weeks that I also want to share those (hope you have the time ;o)  Last week  Hannah/I were able to meet Rachael at a new tea room that we just tried out that I totally am in love with.  It was very small, but the food was yummy, and the owner is so sweet.  I want to go back there this week before I have to go back to work (since there hrs. are only from 11-2).

Hannah/I were also able to get out and go to a few garage sales.  We ran into my friends Kristi/Lee Ann and they told me of a garage sale that I might want to check out.  Well, I had prayed for the Lord to guide me to a place that had kids books, because I wanted to get some books for Hannah’s classroom.  The lady told me that I could have all of her books that were in a box for $5.  So, I was able to get books for Hannah’s room, and a few of the other teachers.  It was a blessing!

I’ve made sure that I will also enjoy this week to the max.!  We were invited over to our friends Lee Ann/David’s house for a Sabbath lunch.  It was an unexpected spur of the moment blessing.  Lee Ann’s son Jason/and his wife Kristi are also our friends (I’ve talked about Kristi before).  They were also there.  The meal was wonderful, and the time with friends was even better.  Ben/I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the Sabbath.

Today was also perfect!  I got together with my great friend Angela which I haven’t seen in ages (actually-it’s been about a yr.).  We took the kids to-you guessed it-the Splashpad.  It was awesome, because NOBODY was there.  Auhhhh-HEAVEN!  They hung out at the park while we chit-chatted, and then we went for a bite to eat at Newk’s.  It was cherished time, and I’m hoping we don’t wait another year before getting back together.  It was time way overdue!  I was able to get a few pics.

Here’s Angela’s little boy Zack.  He’s a ball of energy!  He was so cute at our house, because he was excited about all the toys Hannah had.  Zack just wanted to go back to our house and play (especially with this toy that Rome got Hannah for her b-day.  It blows balls up into the air while it plays music). 

Here’s Angela’s daughter Madison.  She’s VERY sweet.  Quiet and reserved is the best way I can describe her.  We joked, because now she’s going into 2nd grade, but I remember when I thought she had been 3 yrs. old for forever.  The year seemed to linger.  I think it’s because that was my worst teaching yr. )

I just realized that I never got a picture of Angela.  Hmmm-the best way I can decribe her is…pure beauty!  I love her to death and cherish any moments I get to spend w/her.

Hannah/I also went on a date tonight to the mall.  I felt really bad, because I was going to let her ride one of those little rides.  You know, the ones where the kids sits in them and they ride back/forth.  Well-I didn’t realize until she was up against it that I forgot my wallet.  I didn’t even have the 50 cents w/me.  Oh well, she didn’t seem that heart-broken. 

The rest of the week will be all about chillen w/friends-which will be a perfect way to end the summer.  As much as I was bummed at the beg. of this message, I truly am having a grand summer.  I’m going to cont. enjoying it for the rest of the week.  As much as I talk about not wanting to be away from Hannah, I am truly looking forward to my new position teaching 5th-8th AND I can’t wait to see my students.  Auh-I LOVE them too!

P.S. Oh-I need to show you.  Ben/I got Hannah a new Radioflyer wagon that she simply loves.  I got a picture of her in it in front of our house when we first got it.  Take a look and enjoy your week!

I LOVE THIS KID TO DEATH!!!!